just like heaven [entries|friends|calendar] moving my lips to breathe her name [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Nov 2003|05:27pm] [ music | britney spears. ] I never update this thing. But that changes today, because, voila, I'm updating. No more ranting about having to wait for Justin to get online. This time I have no complants but the wait will be much longer. My heart will stay in inertia until he comes back. I hope that he does. And if he doesn't, then I will resign to the fact that I just don't need that kind of love. It's up to him, though. It always has been. Even during the relationship, I set my feelings aside so he wouldn't hurt as much. This week, was really hard. November 2003 would've looked perfect on my tombstone but I'm glad I didn't let this kill me. I have since became friends with a beautifully troubled boy named Kenneth. He doesn't know about my heartache but just being near him helps to subdue it. It's funny how you can be around someone, talk to them, but never really know what's on their mind. He's .. so interesting, though. I like listening to him talk. I guess that's all.

[04 Nov 2003|05:03pm] I've been waiting for a good day I've been holding back long enough I've been hurting to tell you some things it's not the falling of the temperature that's making all our bones run cold it's the breeze you make the presence felt when you're around me and it feels like I'm at an all-time low slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision I've never seen this side of you another tragic case of feeling bruised and broken from our head on collision I've never seen this side of you another tragic case and I'm still waiting for a good day I think I've held this long enough I think it's safe to tell you some things it's not just what you say to people and it's not the way you look at me it's the way you present yourself for all your worst critics to see 1 comment|_Jess, i Still taste You

[22 Oct 2003|09:38pm] [ music | degrassi ] My mom won't stop calling. My boobs are aching. So, I didn't go to school today. But absolutely I have to tomorrow. No big deal. I miss a few people there, anyway. I'm not feeling very profound right now. I haven't all week. But anyway.

[21 Oct 2003|10:41pm] I am SO not going to school tomorrow.

[20 Oct 2003|07:51pm] [ mood | anxious ] i had a bad dream last night. matthew is being all cool again. but i think we should talk more often, because, after all, he IS cool. i had a bean&cheese burrito today and it was SO SO SO SO wonderful. i flew kites with brittany, jackie, randy, misty and mark today. then we spun in circles. i felt so alive. my sister is having her baby tomorrow. no school for kristen. score. sometimes it feels like i'm always waiting for you. _Jess, i Still taste You

[19 Oct 2003|08:55pm] my foot is asleep and i'm FUH-reezing. i really love him. _Jess, i Still taste You

[05 Sep 2003|01:43am] Tomorrow is my birthday, and though my heart is broken, I'll celebrate. My week has been okay thus far. I think there is a hole in my heart and in time it may hollow me out but nonetheless life is fucking wonderful. I had a really good cry after an orgasm the other night. I'd imagined Justin and I together and it all so plausible then.. because the pleasure was real, but it was induced.. by a fucking fantasy. Crying was my only way of fighting reality. It was beautiful. And it hurt. Justin and I didn't spend very much time together but each time I saw him, he left me with the desire to see his beautiful face again. I don't think it will ever fade. And even though his actions tell me differently, I so arrogantly believe that he does want to see me. He just needs time. Who he is, isn't really secure yet, and until it is, a relationship won't work. In the little bit that I've learned about him, I've found so much to love. A beautiful boy with a beautiful mind, a heart full of passion and mesmerising brown eyes. They see the world so negatively. Hm. He has yet to see just how wonderful life is. I wish I could show him but he would never give me the chance. Oh well, people think what they want to think.. and if you think the world is hideous and you do nothing to try to change that, then you're just as ugly. End of story. I'm angry. I'm fucking angry. I am so fucking angry. And each time I rephrase it, I get that much closer to sounding pissed off. :-/ Once, I was at Mitchell's house. We were trying to have sex but couldn't because people kept walking in his bedroom. Well, wait, that didn't happen.. hmm.. fuck you. happy birthday kristen </3 9 comments|_Jess, i Still taste You

[31 Aug 2003|11:25am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | vendetta red ] I'm tired.. of living. But life isn't a burdon, it's all you have. I am so far beneath anyone I've ever said that to. And it's not that I want to die, I'm just sad. I really wish I could be there for Justin. I wish my love was enough to keep his heart together. I wish life was better for him. I wish I could be the one to change it. I don't think he needs me but I'm waiting because he may one day. :/ love is so great. i want to punch the people who don't appreciate it. hate is such a waste.. and it will consume you 2 comments|_Jess, i Still taste You

[20 Aug 2003|09:23pm] [ music | john mayer ] It's so amazing how people put obligations before the ones they love. Love > Obligations. I mean, it can be put in vally girl terms, even. How can you like, choose something you hate but feel you must do, over something you love? Baffling. Priorities. First and foremost, love. Because I've spent my entire life in persuit of that feeling and cherish it more than anything because I know that my appreciation for it is all that keeps it alive. I never really remember feeling any kind of emotions until October of last year. I'd given up on so easily on things I realize now that I loved very much. And I regretted it and to spare myself and others pain, I vowed to learn to love everyone and everything in my life as it is/was. The prestige lies not only in the person, but in the way they make me feel. Thusly, if I feel love for you, consider yourself my number one and probably my only priority. Because other than school, I really have no responsibilities. And that isn't even really important to me. Passion is the only thing that makes me responsible. I'm just not conservative, however not a libertine.. just young. And all of this was dawned .. when a boy told me he didn't have time to see me. </3

[18 Aug 2003|05:40pm] [ mood | sad ] A dragonfly got caught in my windshield wipers today. It made everything on the other side of the glass seem sort of despairing. I went to a graveyard with Jeremy in the beginning of Summer. There was a big sign above the gates that said "Paradise". Not since that wonderful moment of irony have I used the word despairing. And I have never been good at ending things. I instead let them suffer. I wouldn't have the heart to kill a bird with two broken wings and no chance of surviving. It'd have to lay there sulking in it's pain, because of the hope I have that it will fly again. But eventually, it will die. Almost tragic, isn't it, that I'm so fucking hopeful. I was suppose to see Justin yesterday, it didn't happen. I fell asleep sad because of that, but woke up happy anyway because.. I'm so fucking hopeful. I'm in love. It's not so bad, really. But please, get better. I need to get out of the habit of playing the role of the victim. The end.

[17 Aug 2003|08:40pm] [ music | further seems forever <3 ] So, hi. The past few days have been lovely. Am still traveling down the road of ups and downs but the journey is much better when there's a beautiful boy named Justin willing to give you piggy back rides along the way. Am still very much in love. And Jackie is still cute as hell. She's getting over Jon. I'm proud. School tomorrow. Rats. And I was SO enjoying my time away from the vapid Singer kids.. _Jess, i Still taste You

[12 Aug 2003|05:56pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | richard simmons - dream a little dream. ] You're lying in a cold room, counting the cheap plastic stars on the ceiling, wondering if you're suppose to be somewhere else. You're longing for one of those moments where you're driving with the windows down and nothing seems to matter. Not even your destination. Because right now, you hurt. Things pass through your mind like bullets through paper. You're playing connect the dots with your thoughts. Life. Beauty. Change. Seasons. Summer. Sunlight. Fire. Passion. Brown eyes. The most beautiful lips you've ever kissed. Everything that led to it. Everything that followed. Yearning. A void. The tears. The ones that are about to fall. And you cry, very slowly as if acting out a scene of sentiment from a black and white movie. It burns, feels like acid rolling down your cheek. You'd wipe your eyes but you barely have the energy to breathe.. and you're not even sure why you're doing that. Aha, so school has begun. It's too soon to complain. No one has really changed, not even for the better. Just another crowd that I outgrew. Jeremy won't even look at me. A boy who once said he loved me doesn't think I'm worth another glance. And if were anything more than a delusion to begin with, I'd be hurt. On a happier hand, I did spend the day with Jackie Clare and Russell and I met a boy with really cute arms. Cuter than Jade's, yet not as cute as Justin's. And Mrs. Long hugged me like crazy today, and I would've stayed in her arms a bit longer if it weren't for that silly bell. Happiness IS attainable. But not retainable. Justin talked to me today. I'm not going to get my hopes up though. It's like sitting inside and hearing jets, then running out the door to see them, but you don't. You're disappointed. And I do not want to care for someone who can't find use for me in their life and I don't want to give my love to someone who thinks it's nothing more than a burdon. Maybe some people are just too weak for love. That's sad, because if they have an ounce of hope in them, love is exactly what they should invest it in. ANYYWWAAAY..

[10 Aug 2003|04:14pm] Friday. Fun, fun, fun with Joey and Eden. Chinese food. Went shopping. Pretty polka dot dress. Marcarena & Gangster's paradise. Rad barrettes. Got hair cut. Befriended the barber. Saw Justin Masten. Made him feel like shit. Came home. Went to Jackie's. Bert and Ernie in Jon's hot little car. Movie gallery. Felt Jackie up in front of Bryan Puryear. Happy ska music and Dashboard Confessional sing-a-longs. Lovely. Swimming. IN A WEEZER SHIRT. Fell asleep early. Saturday. Woke up. Talked to Justin. "I'm not even going to get into this". Oh well. Building to indifference, in the words of Fairweather. Cried. Cried. Cried. Then came along an amazing karmic kickback. If you weren't an asshole, I'd share my euphoria with you. My father came. Brought me a lovely puppy. i'm contemplating naming him JOEL. Talked to Joel, lots of fun. And I love Jackie. MATTHEW IS NICE. November will be better than October. Bwaha. Went home. More Matthew and Jackie. Followed by boredom. And a rad conversation with Mitchell. He's a doll. Called Matthew. Watched Office Space. Went to bed shortly after. Dreamt of fucking Danny on the sofa my parents were sitting on. Woke up. And am now drinking a Dr. Pepper and watching the Osbournes. That is all. Good day. 4 comments|_Jess, i Still taste You

[08 Aug 2003|02:10pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | all american rejects. ] Got Fairweather CD. So lovely. :licks it: Conor is on page 62 of AP, Tyson Ritter is on the cover and as soon as you open it, Chris Carabba. Oh, my tongue could never get tired of licking such pretty things. Jackie, I love you, hun. Feel much more rational today. Six hours of sleep can make a significant difference. Six hours of anything can make a difference, really, and the irony is that it's such a short amount of time. Oh well. I've got shit to do. 1 comment|_Jess, i Still taste You

[08 Aug 2003|12:43am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | dashboard confessional. ] TOMOOOORRROW IIISSS GOIIIINGGG TO BE SO MUUCH FUUUN, as days spent with the lovely Jackie Doyle always are. I've called that one kid's cell at least 10 times today. His voice is so soft and oh so cute that even a ten second recording of it makes me nervous. Imagine if he actually answered. After 36 hours my eyelids just want to collapse but my mind is racing and it feels like someone is pinching the nerves between my wrist and elbow. Cramps. Bad cramps. I'm wondering if I didn't accidentally eat a knife because I'd say digesting one would feel alot like this. Fact. Heart break is felt through out the entire body. It's not like you don't know that I have been trying to talk to you all day. Oh well. No matter how bad it gets, everything will be okay. I'll teach myself to never want to speak to you again so I won't burdon you with my words and feelings. I won't take back a god damn thing I've said to you, but if I ever get the chance to be honest with you again, I think I'll bite my tongue. You don't know what you have until it's gone, right? That's what you said a few days ago, and if there's any truth in anything you've said to me, it lies within that sentence, and out of all the words those are the only ones I'll hold you to. Grudges are pointless, anyway, and usually only held because of anger. Well, I'm not an angry person and I'm certainly not angry at you, because I think you're just as wonderful as you were when we were making plans to be together when you came home. Hell, I said I loved you and I believe that once you truly love someone, you can never really NOT love them. Well, you can burry those feelings with pain and contemptment but underneath it all, the love remains. And trying to forget.. it really won't bring you any closure. </3

[07 Aug 2003|10:25am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | thursday ] Am very, very, tired. But I fear going to sleep without a reason to wake up. I've been awake for over 24 hours now, and for that I thank Alkaline Trio and Dr. Pepper. And Joel is a doll for keeping my lame ass company. And I spent most of the night waiting for you to come back because you said you were going to. I love you and I will adjust to your needs, even if I'm not one of them. And if the only thing you want that I can give to you is space, it's yours. I'm yours. The decision is yours. Minds change very quickly but hearts don't just go from hot to cold. You said you do not know what you want. And all I want is to be with you. When two people don't want the same thing, there is no doubt that one will be let down. As long as it's not you, I think everything will be okay, because I can endure anything if it makes you smile. And if it keeps you together, feel free to tear me apart. And Justin, if you want nothing more to do with me, blatantly tell me so, don't avoid me or leave me wondering. Oh well. Tired. Tired. Exhausted. I'm going to go dream of something pretty.

[06 Aug 2003|03:13pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | bright eyes - a perfect sonnet ] I hurt so much last night. I can't really explain why, because to be honest I didn't have a reason. But I cried. I cried so much that I thought my eyes were going to shatter. I'd became so hopeless at that point that I actually wanted that to happen. But when I realized it was not going to, I starting reading Playing Botticelli and I was just elevated by the words. The sincerity in them. The way they so eloquently formed sentences. Coping and day dreaming and beauty and art.. I don't feel like going into detail about the rest of the night, or things mentioned in the book, but I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Thanks to Godiva Blue, if she were more than a fictional character, I'd hug her. Contentedly falling asleep means contentedly waking up. I dreamt about New York. And Starry skies. And popsycles. And Justin... four things that remind me just how wonderful life is. Justin and I talked last night, also. I told him pretty much what I'd written in here, hm, rehearsed words.. sad, really. But at least I had something to say. At least I had the nerve and the chance to say it. He didn't understand, though, which left me wondering what good those things were. Alot still needs to be said, and I don't even know how he feels. Reading his letters feels like glass tearing at my heart because his words were written so beautifully and to wonder if he really meant them.. really hurts. I got a letter from Jeff today. I am ever so sorry to hear that someone I love so much is suffering. I wish I could draw his pain out with a needle and shoot it into my own arm. And he is the reason I'd be strong enough to bare it, so I owe him that much. But I do not wish to be sad, I do not wish to cry with him, rather I wish to SMILE with him. xox

[05 Aug 2003|10:00pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | type o negative - bloody kisses ] The past three weeks of my life were spent writing pathetically sappy love letters to a wonderful boy in military school. Now that he is home, I have nothing to do. Except fucking smile because he's where he wants to be and is no longer miserable. And that's all I wanted, really. Of course being in his arms like I'd dream of all those nights would be nice, too. But I'm really not sure if that's going to happen, I'm not even sure if it's what he wants. I'm not going to be quick to assume, but if he does want it, or me shall I say, I wonder why he didn't speak to me when I went to see him last night. But I blame myself, I didn't try to talk to him either. I was a fool to think that I was doing my part just by showing up. There was so much I should've said, and the whole time I was there all I thought about was hugging him. I could barely even look at him, he just looked so beautiful that it made me nervous. So I settled for yearning and fixed my eyes on the floor. Yep. I stared at the motherfucking floor when I could've been looking at the loveliest face I've ever seen in my entire life. That was my fault, and after I realized that I called him. I told him I was really happy to see him though seemingly not, and that I just didn't feel comfortable there, which was true. I don't know.. it's as difficult to understand as it is to explain. It has nothing to do with hating people or even judging them, the fact is if there is nothing that can connects me to the people in a room, I get uncomfortable and want to leave. It would've been so different it were only Jackie, Jon, Justin and me because I'm comfortable with them. But again, this was my fault for letting people I didn't know break the security I felt with the ones I do know. Anyway, about ten seconds into the phone conversation, I asked did he want me to let him go, he said yes, so I did. I had more to say but I bit my tongue on account of him being tired. I thought I would get to see him today but he told Jon he had things to do. I was sad because I wanted to see him but after the irrationality of the situation had passed, I understood. Well, Jackie asked me to three-way Justin to see if Jon was at his house, Justin didn't know I was on the phone but when I finally started talking, he told me he was about to leave. It felt like I was being avoided. Tonight.. I guess we'll see. Exciting at times though it may be, uncertainty is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. i want to be hugged. too bad erica isn't here, i love love love her hugs. i could just spend hours in her arms.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]